I support this girl 100%, but sometimes I don’t know why. She’s my daughter and I love her, but true to teenage form, she sometimes treats me like her minion; sadly, I allow it until I can take it no more. I sing her praises on Instagram and Facebook, but I have to come to WordPress to post my anger and frustration because I feel it’s unfair to post these feelings there where she will see them. I guess WordPress is my outlet, my place to vent. So today, I came to WordPress to post, and I came across a photo of the week thing and this word thing. The word of the day is spare. I feel like it fits me today. I’m feeling spare, hence the image lacking color and life. Usually I’m posting action shots of her flying over jumps, galloping across beaches or just smiling with her horse. Problems with a teenager could be worse I suppose; she’s not into drugs or alcohol and has a very nice boyfriend. Sometime it’s just so hard to understand why she can’t treat me like a person with feelings and not just her personal assistant. I know the color will come back and I’ll fill back out, but right now, spare fits the feelings in my heart.
Had one of those great conversations with teen daughter this evening. Among other (hurtful) topics. She expressed the wish that her parents were other people who happen to be great friends of ours. It still amazes me how deeply her words cut. Once in a while I wonder what it would be like if she were more like … However, I would never wish it and certainly never speak it aloud.
The teenaged kid in the photo above is a family friend. His little 4th graders won their championship tonight. Proud moments for many parents. Do I wish my girl were more like him sometimes? No way! But I’m sure glad my boy is a lot like him. His sweet and kind disposition helps me in those days when his big sister is so harsh.
I was reading an article by Peter Read Miller about settings on the Canon 1dx (great helpful read, by the way). This led me to his website and some of his really cool sports shots. One shot that struck me was of the sidelines and the bajillion Canon lenses focused on the field; there was not one Nikon in sight. Granted it was a Canon ad, and it was probably set up for that purpose, but I was reminded of all the times I watch sports on television and of all the white lenses I see and hardly any black ones.
I took up sport shooting because I have two very active kids who do all kinds of sports from 3-day-eventing to basketball to cross country running. I’m super thankful for all they do, because it made me realize how much I love photography and how much I love stopping the action now and then.
My first dslr was a used 300d from a photog friend that my husband purchased as a gift for me, so I became a Canon girl. I upgraded and added lenses over the years and REALLY became a Canon girl; I never even had the urge to try Nikon, even though I’ve seen some beautiful images shot with Nikon, and I know it’s not the gear, it’s the brain handling the gear.
I digress. That Peter Read Miller Canon ad totally reminded me of a day when I was photographing my boy’s little league allstar game. The opposing third base coach noticed me shooting and suggested Nikon instead. I said, “You know all the sports greats shoot Canon.” He laughed and actually agreed. I don’t know why that sticks with me. I’d shoot with anything if I had no other choice, but I sure do love my Canon gear.
I was having such a frustrating morning, just trying to deal with people who are unappreciative and really just need to grow up. I’m not the kind of person who bites back either; I just sort of vent to my loved ones (I’m sorry!) and avoid the people who are trying my patience. Anyway, this morning I was thinking about ideas for my still life class and my frustrations, and this idea came about. It felt really fulfilling to have an idea, set it up, shoot it and really like the result. Plus, it really helped me work through that negativity that I was feeling. Honestly, if some if this stuff is the worst that happens to me today, then it’s a great day right? And if the trying times result in a photo that I really like, then that’s really turning things around and finding that silver lining (or watering can).
Sometimes you just have to mop up the mess and move on.
I sometimes feel like I’m too sensitive to have a teenaged daughter. Those withering stares, closed doors and just the lack of pleasant communication wear me down. I’m not a religious person in the formal sense, but I guess maybe I’m spiritual, so I think God (or whatever higher power) wouldn’t give me more than I can handle. And we’re all pretty healthy right? And, there is no boy drama, no alcohol or drug use, and she gets good grades. What am I complaining about?
As I’m cleaning the entry of dirt dragged in from the barn, where she has her horse, that she doesn’t pay for…the list can go on. I wonder if I was put here on this earth to clean up her messes, drive her here or there (with the horse), bring her whatever she forgot. I wonder if I made the wrong choice by choosing to make my work taking care of my children. I’m trying so hard to be the mom I didn’t have, just to be the mom that’s there and that cares. Sometimes it just doesn’t seem to matter to her, and I just feel sad and unhappy and feel like crying when I’m around her. Once in a while, I just want to feel like my daughter loves me and I’m not just a necessary nuisance to be tolerated. Maybe I need to take a different perspective and be proud of myself for being more present in her life than my mom was in mine.
I posted these photos on Facebook as just another bit of proof of how proud I am of her. And then we had a big argument…and then she still likes the post on Facebook. I guess my bad spot isn’t so bad. And there’s always tomorrow; you never how the day will roll with a 16-year-old girl.